Just Passing By

I’ve gotten into this habit of thinking what I can look forward to first thing I wake up in the morning. I found that if I’m excited about something, it’s easier for me to toss the blanket and get ready for work.

Today is payday, (I am obligated to put a hurrah right here so…YEHEY!) Now that’s something to brighten anyone’s day, right? So how come I don’t feel the usual euphoria that I would normally get at the mere thought?

Mulling over it over my first cup of tea at my desk, I realize it was because I no longer keep any cash in my wallet. I have direct deposit set up, so my company deposits my pay directly to my checking account. That way, as soon as the funds are available, I can issue checks to pay off my bills. And boy do I have lots of bills! There’s my mortgage and my credit card bills. I have 7 credit cards which I use for grocery shopping and to pay my utilities. In other words, no actual money goes through my hands. I don’t need to paper clip hundred-peso bills together and label what they are for.

That’s when the light bulb went on. I miss having cold hard cash! When I was back home, I remember going to the ATM as soon as we knew that the payroll funds were available. My co-workers and I would stand patiently outside the ATM booth under the hot noon sun. Isn’t it amazing how the process works? All you have to do is insert a little plastic card and voila, the machine spits out money - colorful little bills that tell you that you can go shopping later. Here, you can go shopping whenever you want as long as you haven’t maxed out your credit cards. It eliminated the anticipation aspect. You no longer have to wait till the 1st or the 15th of the month to buy something. No wonder people here have very low emotional quotient. It’s similar to the tv ad where the kids were told that if they waited 30 minutes, they can have two marshmallows instead of one if they ate now. The downside of having a credit card is simply that. You only get one marshmallow because you didn’t wait. The giddy, happy feeling is not as intense as when you waited and saved. Then when you’re able to buy your most coveted item, it makes the wait worthwhile.

Let me formally introduce my blog which I titled: Just Passing By.

When I first came here to the States, I thought to myself that this will be a temporary arrangement. My husband and I agreed that we’ll just give ourselves 5 years to save, make some wise investments, earn our citizenship, then go home. We were living in a cramped 2-bedroom apartment but we decided to stay right where we were. We were not going to make any major purchases, knowing that we won’t be able to bring them home anyway. We were transients here in the US and we were going to travel light throughout our stay here.

I guess that temporariness translated to my motivation to make new relationships here as well. In my 3 previous jobs here in the US, I made it a conscious effort to keep my distance. I didn’t want to make any close friends. When I sensed that I’m getting closer to some of them, I back off. What’s the use of nurturing friendships when I would leave them anyway? I hurt so much when I left my family and friends back home. I missed the easy camaraderie, the closeness, the sense of security that I’m not alone. I miss workweek lunches with my co-workers who were also close friends; celebration lunches with my MA classmates at UP after a particularly tough Saturday session; shawarma nights with my good friend, Lana; and after-work chats with my dentist-turned-bestfriend, Joey. Then I came here and found myself alone and lonely. I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep and months to get used to being alone. I still feel a void. I wouldn’t bring that to myself again when I go home.

Then in one of my frequent midnight musings, I realize that even as I’m only passing by, I leave footprints. Do I want to leave shallow footprints? Marks that are easily erased? Do I want people I came in contact with to say “Yeah, I think I remember a certain Kaye…but vaguely.” It dawned on me that whether I intend it or not, I leave a mark on somebody else’s life and I want that to be a good one.

So now, as I am passing by, I try to leave a footprint in every life that I touch. I would like to think it’s a good print, because it has my name all over it!

PS. Oh by the way, we decided to move out of our tiny little apartment and bought a 3-bedroom house. Might as well make the most of our sojourn. After all, life is too short to be waiting for the “someday”.

“Remind me again what I’m doing here?” I asked myself that question this morning as I saw my reflection when I straightened my rear view mirror. The light is green but there’s a longer delay as cars try to step on the accelerator but the wheels just spin in place. The cars would hardly budge on slick ice.

The snowstorm came in early afternoon yesterday and didn’t let up overnight. I woke up this morning with at least 6 inches of snow in the driveway. So I donned my gloves and jacket and braced for brisk air to slap my face. This is crazy, I’m already running late because I slept through my stupid alarm, then I have to scrape ice from my windshield which will take me a good 5 minutes. Haaay!

Back to my original question. So what the heck am I doing here? Well, for one, I need to get my ass in the office, like the rest of those drivers out there on the road with me. But the question was meant to be a philosophical one and which I’ve been trying to wrestle since I got here in the States. I have a long-winding answer to this but ultimately, my answer led me to point a finger at the state of affairs of my country - the Philippines.

I would have stayed happily in my low-income but high profile job in Holy Angel University but I have my two kids to think of. Granted that my husband and I will be able to get them through college, who knows what life waits for them after graduation. I can picture Nikki and Goji, fresh out of college from UP but waiting in a crowded room full of fresh grads like themselves vying for a call center agent position in Quezon City. Nope, na-ah, so NOT going to happen.

So my modus operandi is to stay where I am, endure driving in the snow to get to work and sleeping through sub-zero nights (unless I want to turn the heater way up and get a heart attack when I get my heating bill) so we can get the much-coveted US Citizenship and the Blue Passport. Then my kids will have the luxury of choice when they grow up if they want to stay here in the US with financial security or go home in the Philippines where they may have to work double time to get a tenth of what they could earn here but still be happy because they’re right where they want to be - Home.