Just Passing By

It was past their bedtime, but I just couldn’t get the kids to get up from the couch and make them go to bed. They were having a giggle-fest late last night as they read their yearbook from 3 years ago. Nikki read out loud as Goji listened and laughed along with her. They were on a page where 5th and 6th graders wrote how they see themselves 20 years hence.

There was this 5th grader who said she would be 31 years old by then and would be married to a handsome husband. They would have twin girls, (She even had the names already!) living in a big beautiful house. And she would be driving her own convertible.

The kids found that hilarious but I thought it was impressive that a child so young could have such a vivid picture of herself 20 years out. I’m in my late 30s and I struggled with my answers on my Catalytic Coaching at work! It asked about career aspirations - broken down to “the next year or two, five years, and top job I aspire to. Dude, I tell you - I spent two days thinking about that part. My mind can’t even get past this week!

So when the house fell silent last night, I asked myself: What happened to me? Where did all my dreams go? It dawned on me that I fell into the steady rhythm of trying to get by each day. After dinner, I would stare at my open freezer trying to decide what to defrost for next day’s supper. When I drive to work in the mornings, I do a mental check of the tasks that I need to get done before day’s end. Grocery shopping was scheduled in the weekends. Laundry is twice a week. Bills were highlighted in red on my calendar. My life has morphed into a sad series of chores.

I recalled that girl from my distant past who dreamed of becoming a scientist, a lawyer ( I even won first place for the essay I wrote about why I wanted to become a public defendant.) and a flight attendant. Maybe I don’t want to become a scientist anymore - my fascination for insects has waned and the lab coats are too drab for my taste. Too late to become a flight attendant now. I can’t exactly pass as a 20-something, bright-eyed, fresh grad, eager to ask coffee? tea? or orange juice? And my mind is screaming “I’m done with school!” so I guess the lawyer part is not an option either.

I know she’s still there in the dark recesses of my mind. I just have to let her out so I can do this again:  When I grow up, I want to be… (insert dreams here).